Don't let anyone steal your happiness.
I can’t say I blame you,
I know what I am like.
I’m the kind you take home – but only for the night.
You don’t take me out to dinners. You don’t wait around for my call.
In fact when I’m not around, you don’t think of me at all.
*** This is just a piece of what I’m working on. It’s obviously not complete – but I wanted feedback so I decided to publish it now. Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.***
So a few days back… I start thinking about this “Christmas List” and how much I absolutely hate it. I hate what it turns me into – a crazy, neurotic asshole, aka The Grinch, to the rest of the family. I don’t want to feel this way about Christmas. It was my favorite holiday. Yet, year after year, earlier and earlier – my love of Christmas began to fade. Then this year came around, and I was already irritated by the list before Thanksgiving. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving people! Seriously! Do you need the DAMN LIST RIGHT THIS MINUTE?
But there was something more than the list, that was bothering me – and it wasn’t until I really reflected on things that I recognized the true cause of my pissiness. And then…
Then I had one of those “Ahhh Ha” moments.
The problem was a gift, was no longer a gift.
Let me explain…
When I was younger I wrote my letter to Santa every year! And every year I would provide Santa with a list of things I deeply wanted. But… because it’s Santa – I never knew if he was going to get me the things on that list. There was magic about not knowing what present Santa had decided to give me.
And even as I grew up – the magic of the gift still was there… even after the magic of Santa had tucked itself away. The gift still held magic. And as a result I cherished the items the person gave me, because it wasn’t just a gift anymore; it was a reminder of that giver of the gift and the relationship we had.
But that all changed. Suddenly the list became the gifts. You knew if you asked for something, you would get it. Mom and Dad didn’t want to buy something I would have to return because I didn’t like it…
I didn’t like their gift. I didn’t like what they picked out for me.
Now I get it. They were afraid that I wouldn’t like their gift and, ultimately, that would mean that they didn’t know their own daughter. But right at that moment of them wishing they knew me… I was distancing myself, not letting them get to know me.
I wasn’t around them much. They had no way of truly knowing what I would want for Christmas. They hardly knew me… Hell, I hardly knew me!
Tis’ the season everyone! This year I have decided to embrace the holidays! I’m excited for Christmas again! And because I found the joy in the holidays again, I wanted to spread that joy with everyone I possibly could. Because NO ONE should be stressed out about any holiday – especially Christmas.
So I am going to share something I am writing with everyone… and hopefully this piece will spread a little Christmas/Holiday Cheer. I’m going to break the piece up into parts and I will post the parts throughout the holiday season… So stay tuned! And please, leave a comment – Feedback is always appreciated.
THE GIVING OF GIFTS: PART I
Every year my parents request a Christmas list from everyone. And they make this request pretty early on… say around Late October, Early November. But of course as life has it – no one gets the list to them in the time frame that want.
Now the idea behind the list I totally get. They don’t want to get anyone something that they don’t want. Why spend money on something a person won’t use or like? I get that. And I get that they also don’t want to make the recipient have to go exchange it… especially because most shopping is now done online. So they don’t want to trouble anyone with any inconvenience that returning, said item, might bring.
So all this comes from very good intentions. And it’s a very logical, practical way of giving gifts at Christmas.
But here’s the thing…
There is another side to this request…
The side that, until this week, made me hate Christmas; which is saying something, because Christmas use to be my favorite holiday. I have ALWAYS loved Christmas. ALWAYS! Well, up until the moment the list that I wrote to Santa, turned into a list that made me The Grinch!
Let me tell you why…
Because it stressed me the f out. Getting the lists from the kids, the husband, and even creating one for myself… became too much to ask anyone for. It didn’t matter that the parents requested this list more than a month in advance. It didn’t matter that everyone in the house knows how to use the internet to search for things and could easily email them links. It didn’t matter. Everyone would drop the ball on this. And because they are my parents, I had to be the one to constantly dodge the question of “when are you guys going to get us the list?” I was constantly asking the members of my family to “GET YOUR LIST TO THE GRANDPARENTS!”
I’m trapped in the darkness. I feel so alone. The road I was walking along is so far from home. I try to carry the weight of my past, hide them in a box. But the demons that rule me only want to come out.
You’re not meant for this life. You’re meant for so much more. But it isn’t ‘good’ that you deliver – it will be the biggest storm. You are not an angel and I am not your friend. I am just a person who no one will ever understand.
I’ve always wore a mask, it was easier to hide. Never had to worry about what was on the inside. I could let the darkness eat at me like a cancer in my bones.. and show the world another side so that no one would ever know.
But the darkness has taken over and the light is no longer there. Everything you thought you knew has evaporated into air. You won’t find me in your dreams or your nightmares anymore. I am just a passing moment that has wandered out the door.
So… I have been struggling with a concussion since Friday. Long story – but what I learned is that you can’t go cliff diving on a mountain bike! haha
But in all seriousness… I have had words trapped in me – and this is what came out – it’s a bit darker than my usual. But I figure I need to keep writing even with the concussion. Who knows… maybe I knocked something worth writing into my head with the fall.
I would love to hear your comments and thoughts. Honesty is always the best feedback.
-CG
This is an incomplete piece that I am currently working on… would love feedback from producers, musicians, writers, lyricists! Feel free to comment below!👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻
I see you in the shadows, your eyes are kind of cold
the darkness has settled in and you can feel it in your soul
It’s been so long since you believed in anything that was real
you numb the pain, you numb your brain
to escape all the feels
But I’ll be waiting in the sunlight – whenever you are there – I’ll walk into the darkness – with nothing but a care… for you and your heart… I’ll always be there.
Take my hand and we’ll run away, far from the pain
I’ll pull you into sunshine and out of the pouring rain
Just believe in my love, believe in my soul
I promise this timeI won’t let you go. I promise this time…
I won’t let you go.
I hear you calling from across the shore
you wish for things
you want more
but I can’t be your everything
Cause I am just a puppet on a string
I’ll dance for you and nod my head
I’ll pretend I’m living, though I’m dead
I’ll hold my hand for you to take
But you can’t have my heart
You can’t have what you will break…
This is a piece I am working on. If you are interested in collaborating or interested in these lyrics or other lyrics for songs… please feel free to contact me through IG: https://www.instagram.com/cycledgirl/ or via this website.
She hears it all. The whispers in the halls… the laughing in the hands… the way they’ll never understand.
She hears it all. The screaming in the night… the never endless fights… the way they’ll never understand.
She hears it all.
She hears it all and still she survives, wipes the tears from her own eyes, and stands tall.
She hears it all and yet still hopes for a day, not too far away, that they will see her.
She hears it all…
She hears it all…
She hears it….
This is a piece I am working on. It is not complete. But if you are interested in collaborating or interested in lyrics for songs… please feel free to contact me through IG: https://www.instagram.com/cycledgirl/ or via this website.
How could you know that I would be leaving, it would mean you would have had to see me Open up your eyes and really see me Something you could never do Look inside my soul this time Underneath the lonely shadows in a game I no longer want to play You’ll find a darker force See I’m not so shattered , But I have grown hard Callused and scared, Woven together to toughen my heart I have become a better version of me and in time I’ll be my own savior and set myself free...
How can you be so hurtful is hatred in your blood? You look around at those who left and wonder what’s begun
You have a heart of iron that stops anyone from getting in
You have so much desire… but you can never win
I’ll run away, no need to stay… I’ll leave you behind like you want
I’ll go away, for all the days… I’ll just be a ghost in your mind
Tell me my friend… is that what you want?
So while we are all waiting… I thought I would share another poem for awhile back. I like finding stuff I have written and forgotten about. There is something insightful about it – to see where I was and where I am.
Waiting for the storm to pass me by
let the tide come take me for a ride
I know that I will be alone awhile, but I’m here now; to see you smile.
Keep dancing, keep laughing, … smile once more for me
keep dancing, keep laughing, …love will always set you free
keep dancing and laughing, …the city lights have lost their glow
keep dancing and laughing, …in it all, i lost control
Waiting for the sun to start to shine
lost the hope i saw in your eyes
And I know that I will be alone awhile, but you’re here now; let me smile
keep dancing, keep laughing, …smile once more for me
keep dancing, keep laughing, …love will always set you free
keep dancing and laughing, …the city lights have lost their glow
keep dancing and laughing, …in it all, I lost control
There’s a world where I may see you,
smiling once more for me
A world where I can feel you
Where love will set us free…
Cycledgirl 